Bristol Babes

Carry on up the blog

2007-04-18T20:26:00.000Z

I doubt whether anyone is still bothering to check if I've updated recently as it's been so long, but I hope that somewhere, someone will read this! I don't seem to be able to get enough time in front of the computer to keep regularly blogging and I have to admit that it's causing me a bit of stress! I don't want to feel as though I'm letting people down all the time, so I'm going to take a leave of absence for a while.

Cyberspace has come to feel so real for many of us that this feels a bit like an obituary or something! I will of course keep an eye on friends' blogs and who knows, this blog might re-emerge in a different guise.

For now though, thanks for reading and for commenting. Happy blogging and stay in touch x

Will it really get that bad?

2007-02-11T21:56:00.000Z

We're just watching The Day After Tomorrow. It's very scary. I know it's OTT and it's a good old-fashioned disaster movie, but this stuff could so easily happen. When are we going to change our ways to try and slow down climate change? More to the point, what are Nick and I going to do about it?

We have a plan of sorts. When we finally move into our own place (hopefully before too long, more news as we get it!) we're going to make it as carbon neutral as possible. Super efficient double glazing, max loft insulation, internal wall insulation, energy efficient lightbulbs everywhere, most efficient electrical appliances as possible. We're going to explore solar water heating options. It might not save the planet but we hope our actions will help in some small way. If we could all do something, it would make such a dramatic difference.

Preaching over for tonight. Plus father and son have just been reunited in the film...!

A year on...

2007-02-07T21:19:00.000Z

A year ago to the day, I had managed to get one girl baby from the inside of my body to the outside world. It was the most excrutiating thing I've ever experienced and the most awesome. The result is a very cute Faye who was one today. She's almost walking, waving, clapping, smiling, laughing, frowning, trying to talk, trying to feed herself and annoying her brother (not all at the same time you understand). How did that happen?

I have been useless and haven't taken any birthday pics! Suffice to say she looked gorgeous and got far too many presents, all of which were opened by a very helpful big brother... Knackered today as the princess was up for an hour and a half last night and we had lots of babies here this afternoon. Another post soon with up to date pics of the babes I promise.

Oh, and it looks as though we might be buying a house at some point! Offer accepted so we'll wait and see. More soon xx

Why am I so nasty sometimes?

2007-01-17T20:50:00.000Z

I have had an officially bad day in the parenting stakes. This seems to be happening to me rather a lot at the moment, and I am not at all proud of what is coming out of my mouth. I sound like a candidate for Tiny Tearaways where they video you and then say 'Is it any wonder your child had a hissy fit today?'

I exaggerate of course. As my wonderful husband often points out, there were lots of good points during the day where I wasn't a bitch to my children. I just wish I could rein in the anger that sometimes whooshes up from somewhere when I'm trying to get Oliver to sit in his car seat so I can strap him in; when Faye is virtually pulling down my trousers or pinching O's bum when I'm trying to change him (that one was quite funny actually!); when Oliver has a meltdown because we have to leave Emily behind at a playgroup (she's a green train, not a person...). We kissed and made up today but I hate that residual feeling of guilt mixed with exhaustion.

Ah, exhaustion. I suspect that's a large part of the problem. Plus trying to flog a flat that might have subsidence (or might not, don't ask) and putting in an offer on a place which is gorgeous but bound to cost us a fortune over the years if we get it!! As they say, it's all happening here in sunny (I wish) Bristol. I suppose that could be another factor for my malaise - the bloody weather.

Anyway, enough for now. Whinge, whinge, whinge. Self-pity is a loathesome thing...

Coming up for air...

2007-01-10T20:15:00.000Z

As usual, apologies for being so remiss in my posting! O didn't have a tummy bug at all but a urinary tract infection - poor darling was very ill indeed and it took him over a week to get back to normal. Thank heaven for antibiotics - I can't imagine how he would have recovered without them. I know it's not great to use them on kids, but in this instance I had no hesitation what so ever.

We had a wonderful holiday in France. We were actually quite lucky to get there at all given all the fog nonsense that was going on - somehow Bristol airport escaped it all. We were thoroughly spoilt for ten days and N and I managed to reignite marital relations which was very exciting!! I had my first period for nearly two years too so it all happened...

Hopefully my poor skin will return to normal with the hormones settling down. For those of you who haven't seen me for a while, I'm rivaling my 16 year old self with awful acne!! In other news, Faye is 1 in a matter of weeks. Unbelievable how the time's gone by. Work is going well - two days a week suits me just fine and my first staff newsletter was very well received! (OK, I was working from a low base, but hey, I'll take the credit). We launch the Intranet in a few weeks which is another major milestone so I'm hoping I can persuade my boss to keep me on permanently.

We've got an offer on our London flat (ludicrous price, hurrah) and are looking in earnest for something here. Can't wait to get settled at last. O's sleep is still pretty bad, but we're all used to it now and we can't bring ourselves to do anything drastic just yet... Potty training looms, but I'm still in denial. Think that's about it for now. Much love and a happy new year to everyone (if anyone's still reading this!!)

My poorly boy...

2006-12-13T14:56:00.000Z

I wouldn't be surprised if you've all given up checking my blog as I never seem to post anything! Like another friend in a similar position, I do have some kind of excuse. We've moved house (again), I'm back at work two days a week and life has been extremely hectic. Plus husband has been hogging the computer of an evening for work.

Add to all this a very sick boy - we're off to the docs in an hour and I have never seen O so poorly. It's heart-wrenching - he was sick lots yesterday but today he's just listless and sleeping the whole time. Feverish too. I'm hoping it's nothing more than a vicious bug... Selfishly I'm also hoping the rest of us don't get it.

Off to France for Christmas next week but will try and update on the lighter side of life soon! Keep checking me - I will try and post more often I promise!

Six hours unbroken sleep? What's that?

2006-10-28T20:59:00.000Z

Now, along with the rest of the parenting world (or most of them at least), I love my children. I would go so far as to say I would give my life for them. But I would dearly love it if they could devise a way of sleeping all the way through the night at the same time. When O's sleeping like a trooper, F's waking two or three times and vice versa. We've had three stints of six hours unbroken sleep in the last three months.

I blame teeth. What a hassle. Even though O is now past two and a half, we're still waiting for his last back molar. This process - we have now learnt - turns our lovely son into a bit of a demon. He becomes very aggressive, particularly towards his little sis, sucks anything in sight, loses his appetite, cries a lot and sleeps really badly. Today was a classic example - constant whingeing and twatting of said sister, dreadful getting to sleep and ate virtually nothing all day.

And I'm still feeding F. I know, I should have got her onto the bottle by now for my own sanity and energy levels, but hey, she loves it and I have to admit I'm more loathe to stop with her given that we're unlikely to have another baby (finances and selfishness!).

So, all in all I'm exhausted. Functioning alright, but exhausted. And spotty. My skin is worse now than it was when I was 16. I'm not exaggerating. I've tried acupuncture (not impressed) and am delaying the day when I go to the GP. I presume it's being run down and having hormones which are still a bit all over the shop (shame it's not a sex shop - that part of our lives has vanished for the time being).

Sorry if this is all a bit too much information but what's blogging for if not to exorcise a few niggles? Oh, and we've got to move house in four weeks too. Not that we know where to yet... Bums.

Busy, moi?

2006-10-12T19:14:00.000Z

Gosh, what a ridiculously long time since I posted an entry! For those loyal readers amongst you, my apologies. I think I have a reasonable list of excuses... here goes:

1. Holiday in Italy with in-laws and a family wedding involved. Survived without too many mishaps although ma-in-law did catch me having a sneaky fag with her sister!! Hmm... my image as perfect daughter in law may have been compromised!
2. Notice from our landlord that we need to move out at the end of November. Totally unexpected but actually quite welcome in some ways. This old house is costing us a fortune and we're quite keen on trying another part of Bristol where we can satisfy our more bohemian tendencies...
3. Getting a job! After much soul searching, I've realised that I'm not really suited to the unpredictable world of freelancing. I was beginning to find the evening working and trying to write with Faye squawking at my feet all a bit stressful. Plus the pressure of having to find a certain amount of money per month to pay for O's pre-school was getting to me. So I contacted an old boss of mine and he just happens to need someone two days a week! Suits me. The only downside is that I'm going to have to put F in nursery sooner than I'd hoped. I've found one I really like and hope that the logistics aren't going to be too painful.

Other than all that, we've been ticking along. I seem to have regressed to being a teenager when it comes to my skin though - I have proper acne! I'm praying that it's hormonal and it will return to normal when I finally stop breast-feeding (a topic for a separate post I feel!) but at the moment, I could rival any 16 year old boy.

Must eat some supper... keep reading folks as I promise the next entry won't be another month away!

What an inspiring lot...

2006-09-16T20:39:00.000Z

I've just had a blog-fest, catching up on news from half a dozen marvellous friends who blog - you know who you are. And I feel humbled and inspired in equal measure. It never ceases to amaze me that, despite the daily grind we all go through looking after our offspring, there is so much else going on in our lives be it emotional, vocational or spiritual.

I've been struggling a bit with all three in the last week or so - I've felt very unsure about where I want to be in five years, literally and metaphorically. I seem to find myself feeling that my life as it is now is a bit 'more of the same', despite the move from London. Of course, I should know better than to think that just by moving physically, somehow I'll become that spiritually mature person who has a career doing what she loves. What I'm learning is that I need to focus on the here and now and not get bogged down in the stuff of tomorrow. It's only by opening my eyes to the opportunities life offers every day that I'll reach my goals. So I'd like to live in an eco-house in Devon, run my own ceramics shop/studio/cafe and send my children to some kind of alternative education school? Then that's what I'll work towards. Might not get there in the way I imagine - might not get there at all - but surely that's part of the fun. It's the journey man, not the destination...

Still here...

2006-09-06T20:22:00.000Z

Yesterday was a bleak day in the brief history of my parenting. I woke up knackered and stayed that way all day. Something was going on beyond just being tired - ironically I slept pretty well on Tuesday night and perhaps that was the problem. Not used to sleeping well at the moment thanks to our two little angels.

Anyway, suffice to say that after falling asleep in front of Bob the Builder before 10am I knew the day wasn't going to go well. We had nothing in the diary so I ended up calling Antonia over the road at 4pm begging for a cup of tea and a change of scene! Needless to say, it cheered me up no end.

Sleep is still an issue - as O seems to be doing better, F is showing distinct signs of teething and woke twice last night. My solution is still to stick her on the boob, but I know at some point I'm going to have to find another way!

Thankfully, life returns to normal next week with the resumption of toddler groups plus O is going to pre-school three mornings a week. So nothing to complain about really. How we're going to pay for it is another matter which is praying on my mind. I've started contacting a few people about getting freelance work but my heart's not really in it...

And it's my parents' ruby wedding celebration this weekend which will be lovely. We'll catch up with my sister who we haven't seen for weeks. Hurrah.

Lack of anything better to say today...!

2006-08-29T14:43:00.000Z

Teeth, toddlers and a cold...

2006-08-22T18:48:00.000Z

make this blogger a dull girl! Our lovely son seems to have been transported to another planet and replaced with a version who looks and sounds like O but behaves like an extraterrestrial. I know - the terrible twos. In my less tired moments, I realise that we have it pretty easy with him compared with many but that doesn't make it any less easy to remain calm, patient and sane.

At least I am typing this guilt-free on our laptop - no disturbing the little girl upstairs. O is still yelling 'I want mummy' at the top of his voice. We're trying the controlled crying approach which I hate, but it seems to be the only way. He slept for a bare 30 minutes today, but even that is now enough to make bedtime a nightmare. As for the waking at 11.30, 3am and 6.15 - well, I'm not sure I want to talk about it! The babe sleeps like a dream, the toddler doesn't. The saving grace is that his top back molars are half way through which goes some way to explaining all this weirdness. And his nappies have been unspeakable.

Just to add to the fun, I feel rotten as well as tired. F has picked up a cold and I've come down with it too.

Despite all this, there was a moment today when O spontaneously said 'I love you mummy'. And that makes all the rest of it fade away. Kids eh?

Hey-ho

2006-08-07T10:13:00.000Z

It's raining. The sky is very grey. I'm tired. Initial ebay euphoria has - as with all addictions - worn off and now I'm faced with the grim reality of having to parcel stuff up and trek to the post office with it all. I've missed my antenatal girls get-together due to pressure of house work.

As you may be able to detect, there is a hint of fed-upness about this post. I wasn't aware it was there until I started typing. We had a lovely weekend but it was knackering and I think my current mood is a post-sociable time meltdown.

And I'm skint. Properly skint. Time to find some work...

On the positive side, we're soon to upgrade this dinosaur of a pc to a laptop (courtesy of my dear old dad) which means poor old F won't be disturbed by us tapping away in the evenings. And O was very sweet this weekend. And Silent Witness is on tonight - I fancy Harry, N fancies Nikki so it's all fair and square. And hopefully we might win the Test match - although not if this rain keeps up.

On balance, I think things are just fine. I do wish I had a bit more energy though...

Ebay-aholics Anonymous?

2006-07-29T19:44:00.000Z

Oh dear. The reason for my serious lack of recent bloggage - quite apart from having two young nippers - is my serious and growing addiction to Ebay. So far I am the proud owner of:

- One pink silk cami top from Boden (oh yes) for the princely sum of £5.00
- One cot bumper
- One set of train track and four trains - a bargain at 99p. Just a shame the postage was £5.50!!
- And my most proud purchase so far, a set of six Bob the Builder Brio compatible vehicles for £15... those of you out there in the know will understand my excitement over this particular coup.

I have bids outstanding of course. I have a sudden need to buy CDs of all the old albums I had on tape including Home by the Hothouse Flowers. Remember them? Sade is also on my list as is a well-loved Toby Brio train (see above point four).

But it doesn't end there. Oh no. I am also obsessed with selling. Anything from old perfumes to breast pumps. I am now looking at everything in our house with a completely new set of eyes. Do we need it? Could I make any money out of it? N better beware - his bike and psychology books are not safe anymore.

I'm sure there must be a support group out there somewhere. I check My Ebay at every opportunity, often on the pretext that I need to change one of the kid's nappies upstairs. Oh what a sad life.

Aside from all this, we are well. O is now sleeping in a bed and has only fallen out twice! Very proud of our little man. Not so good is his incredible clinginess with me which has only come about in the last couple of weeks. Poor N does not cut the mustard any more (whoever made up that phrase?!). It's lovely to be needed, but not when there's a baby chomping at your boob...

F is six months in ten days or so and I cannot believe how fast it's gone. Here she is in her first swing today... those ears...!

Tis done...

2006-07-20T20:34:00.000Z

The naming ceremony was a great success, despite last minute authoring and panics over catering. We had the most glorious weather, the cake looked lovely (tasted less so, but that's life), O and F scrubbed up well and N and I didn't look too bad either! N's mum made it all the way from France and lots of other family and friends joined us for a memorable day. It wasn't quite as emotional as I'd expected - I think my mind was on the logistics more than the content which was a bit of a shame. But looking back at the photos and re-reading the words made me realise how glad I am that we marked the children's arrival formally.

We now have a summer of weekends ahead of us with very little booked in the diary! Must get on the phone and book up to see friends. We also want to try and explore the west country a bit more, particularly as it looks as though my sister is going to move to Devon. Hurrah! We might follow there ourselves in a couple of years, but that's another story!

Sorry for short post, but still catching up on sleep. Nothing much going on - F is now loving her food which is great and is sleeping better which is even more great. O's language is bouncing along to the point where he's now saying 'What's that called Mummy?' about far too many things! He really is a poppet. Mwah mwah for now xx

Baby rice and other delights

2006-07-03T10:32:00.000Z

Yes, the time has come for solid food for our little girl. Having been sleeping pretty well before we went to Cornwall, F has now taken to waking up in the middle of the night again and guzzling boobie juice. So, I'm preparing myself for weeks of mushing various fruits and vegetables in an attempt to get her to sleep through the night!

Our first effort wasn't particularly successful. F pulled a face very similar to the one I pull if I eat something too sharp... not impressed. In fact, most of the slop was pushed out with her little tongue. Thankfully, I'm not stressing as I did with O as I know it's just a matter of time before she'll be scoffing mini cheddars like the rest of us. (Whoops, I've just revealed what an evil mother I am letting my son eat hydrogenated-fat-soaked mini cheddars.)

Other news...

We had a fab week in Cornwall and really didn't want to leave. We had the option to stay an extra night with N's aunt and incredibly un-PC husband and their pals - they were just starting their holiday as we left. We bottled it in the end - it promised to be a late night as said relatives enjoy their grog and, as the only people there with children, we had visions of a sleepless night. Still, one day we'll be able to do spontaneous things again!

The naming ceremony for the kids is a mere ten days or so away and we still haven't written a word of it! Heck. No doubt it will all come together in time. Which reminds me, I must order the cake!

Must dash as I've got to mix up more baby slop before going to pick O up from nursery. Then it's baby jabs for F and coil check-up for me this afternoon. Oh the joys of being a full-time mum. At least I might get to see a bit of the Murray match at Wimbledon...!

Oh the shame...

2006-06-20T21:11:00.000Z

I cannot believe it's over two weeks since I last posted an entry here! What kind of blogger am I? Not exactly in the Samuel Pepys or Alan Clark category am I? Here's a list of what we've been up to for the last two weeks:

1. Play the distraction game with Oliver in order to a) leave the house b) get him in his car seat c) get him to eat d) actually, get him to do anything
2. Try to remain calm in the face of being yelled at and slapped on several occasions (by Oliver I hasten to add)
3. Wipe bottoms of various sizes and revolting-ness
4. Put washing in the machine. Hang out washing. Bring washing in. Put washing away. Take next load of washing downstairs. Put washing in the machine... etc etc
5. Visit the Zoo for the nth time
6. Not have sex with my gorgeous husband because I am a) too tired b) too fat c) still breastfeeding or d) all of the above

It may sound as though I am complaining. I assure you I'm not! This is just the reality of life chez nous at the moment. Redeeming features are:

1. Just spent over £200 on outfit for family wedding in Italy in September at which glamourous mother in law will be in attendance...
2. Wimbledon starts next Monday
3. We're off to Cornwall for a week on Friday (I sense another blog-gap coming on).

If I don't make it to the desk before Friday, expect an update in early July!

Growth opportunity...

2006-06-05T09:29:00.000Z

As a good friend of mine once pointed out after a failed relationship, difficulties in life can be put in the 'Another f***ing growth opportunity' box. I would definitely include last week in that box. Whilst most families were having a jolly time on half term in the sun, the Benians clan were mostly crying, sniffing, feverish or all three at the same time. O got the evil cold which I'd had a week or so before, and it really knocked him for six. All good eating habits - the few we have - went out of the window. Sleep was interrupted (his and ours). Taking toys to bed was fine. Watching hours of Noddy and Bob the Builder became standard fare.

Having had it very easy with our two for some time now, I feel as though we are going through one of those transition phases. O's language is on another spurt and I'm trying to get my head around when we should move him out of his cot. F is four months old (yikes!!) and will soon be ready for some real food (if you can call baby rice real food) and I still haven't even tried her on a bottle.

Thankfully N's mad patch of work is coming to an end. His last deadline is July 4th and then no more academic stuff until November. I have felt like a single parent at times which has been tough. Just to add to the mix, his course are considering moving the host uni to Bath which will mean he has to commute there for teaching. Hmmm not very amusing.

But, with the sun shining and the prospect of a week in Cornwall at the end of the month, life looks pretty rosy. Over and out for now...

Journey from hell? Or heaven sent?

2006-05-29T20:51:00.000Z

After yesterday, I will never complain about a car journey again or get cross with anyone I travel with. We spent the weekend in London catching up with old pals and generally having a lovely time. I say we, although N had to come back to Bristol on Sat night due to a complete overload of work! He missed his train and ended up having to spend £60 on a ticket but hey, that's life right?

So, I stayed with a very dear friend, we gossiped til past midnight (yikes!) and our kids played beautifully. On Sunday morning I met up with my antenatal friends for a rather fine roast in one of Tooting's eateries. All was well with the world and we departed at 2.30, in perfect time for O to have his afternoon nap and with F fed to the hilt so that she'd sleep too.

By the time we reached Newbury on the M4 I have to admit to feeling a little smug. Both kids were still beautifully asleep and the journey was going well. I even decided that I would pre-empt any meltdowns from the babster by stopping at a service station about 25 miles outside Bristol. This was largely so that I could tell Nick how thoughtful and responsible I'd been - last time we made the journey F lost it after I took the executive decision not to stop but press on for home! It was not something I would ever wish to repeat.

Am I glad I took that break. For a number of reasons... Three miles or so after our stop, the traffic was grinding to a halt. Nothing that unusual. When I noticed that there was literally no traffic coming up behind us and nothing coming in the opposite direction I realised there must have been a serious accident. I called N and tried to find out more from the radio. O and I finished a packet of mini cheddars and sipped some water (which thankfully I'd bought during our pit stop).

To cut a long story short, we didn't move one millimetre for three and a half hours. Me, a toddler and a baby. It was hard but actually very salutary. It taught me a lot, namely:

- In times of need, people are very kind and resourceful. I had lots of offers of help from women whilst lots of boys took the opportunity to play footie on an empty stretch of motorway!
- Driving is a hazardous pastime and I am extremely grateful that we weren't caught up in the accident. Some families' lives will have changed - possibly forever - yesterday.
- Live in the moment. What is happening now is what's happening, and there's no point wishing it otherwise. There were several moments when I almost lost it - F crying, O pouring water over the gearbox - but managed to hold it together. I know this helped the kiddies keep calm too.
- O is great company! We sang songs, pressed lots of buttons on the dashboard, counted cars and all sorts.
- Breastfeeding means you never run out of milk!!

So, no matter how hideous our next long journey is, it'll be hard to match a three and a half hour stationary delay!

Vinny Jones or my son?

2006-05-18T13:32:00.000Z

I have an image in my mind of an incident with Vinny Jones and the lovely Gazza several years ago where I believe Mr Jones grabbed a certain part of the fat one's anatomy and gave it a right yank. Well, although O hasn't gone quite that far yet (and F doesn't have a willy, so perhaps not the best analogy), he is displaying distinctly aggressive and footballer-like behaviour.

To wit (can't believe I have actually written that. Note to self: I am not Jane 'Could I trouble you for an interview on the lawn Mr Darcy?' Austen. Or Bridget Jones.): Oliver looks like he's going to kiss his vulnerable and cute sister. At the last moment a look of the devil passes across his face and he headbutts her. Hmm, nice.

I know this is normal and that it is a passing phase, but I can't help feeling fiercely protective towards the little lady and just fierce towards the big bruiser (relatively big of course). Ridiculous phrases pop into my head like 'He's old enough to know bettter' or 'Little shit, he's being deliberately malicious'. Of course, he is finding it difficult to share me and accept that F is here to stay. He is also very cute with her every so often and I get glimpses of how they will be together in a few months. But it's hard not to lose it with him.

So, my latest parenting tactic is to out-calm O during tantrums. I set myself the challenge of being completely unrattled the more rattled he becomes. Or making him laugh. It doesn't always work but when it does it feels good. I hate battling with my darling boy, especially when he seems not to want to battle, but at the same time can't help himself. And I could undertake a PhD in the art of distraction...

What's going on?!

2006-05-15T14:16:00.000Z

Not a lot if this blog's anything to go by. I could've sworn I'd posted something just a few days ago, but it appears that was the 3rd May and now it's the 16th...! I've had a ghastly cold and husband has been hogging computer with all the work he's doing. And son appears to be turning into Damien... what's that about terrible twos?

Baby is now crying so better sign off. Short but sweet. Suffice to say we are all present if not entirely correct. Summer is coming, Bristol is humming and we're all well. xx

Vortex...

2006-05-03T12:11:00.000Z

time is doing something weird at the moment. It appears to be a matter of weeks since my last post... sorry folks.

I'm typing with one hand as F is asleep in other arm so I'll be brief...

- O's birthday was lovely. Perfect weather for a few little pals in the garden and an impromptu picnic.
- Easter in Wales was fun but knackering. Headline was that F slept til four several nights in a row. All went belly up when we got home of course.
- Just spent a few days in cornwall with N's bro and glam girlfriend. They casually did 40 minute runs along the cliffs and barely raised a sweat. Jealous, moi? Yes. Inspired to eat less cake and do more exercise...!

It's raining, it's pouring, the old man's...

2006-04-11T19:01:00.000Z

Well, I wish someone was snoring, preferably me. What do you do with a two year old and a small baby when it's pissing with rain outside and you don't have a car? If you're me, the need to get out of the house at least twice a day means that you go out anyway.

Picture the scene. Me - wellies (green of course), kagool, hat, hood up. Not sexy. O - wellies (not green), all in one waterproof suit, hat, hood up. Quite sexy. F - all in one suit, blanket, buggy with rain cover.

Out we go. O enjoys the puddles. We need to drop a registration form for F off at the surgery which is about quarter of a mile away, if that. AN HOUR LATER we get home!! I should know better by now. O decided to have a paddy on the pavement of a main road in full view of stationary cars at traffic lights. I picked him up - his wellies covered me in mud. He's incoherent and I have to carry him home whilst pushing the buggy.

Was it worth it all for the sake of getting out for a bit? Oh yes...

Meltdown? Moi?

2006-04-04T13:42:00.000Z

Yes, I admit it. I am not super-human after all. After eight weeks of constantly being cried at or sucked on I finally lost my sense of humour. Not bad going considering, but I still felt dreadful about it. Poor N got an earful as well even though he's been nothing but an angel.

I guess the upshot is that parenting two small children is very hard work. My problem is that I try and continue doing all the things that people without two small children do too - cooking nice meals, keeping the house reasonably clean and tidy, getting out and about, maintaining a healthy relationship with my lovely husband. And frankly, something has to give. In our case it's the housework and - from time to time - my patience.

But, as always, just as I thought I'd never get any time to myself again, F decided to sleep in her Moses basket from 7.30pm until 11! Hurrah. Time to test the pelvic floor against the laugh test with an episode of the new series of Green Wing. God, I love that show. It's so random - just genius. The fact that F then decided to cry for the best part of an hour and refused to feed didn't stress me as I'd had my fix of 'me time'. Small pleasures.

And today, the sun is shining, O's been pottering in the garden, we've managed a stress-free trip to Sainsbury's and N will be back early from work. Life is good.

How cute?

2006-03-27T08:17:00.000Z

In the absence of anything inspiring to say today, feast your eyes on these...

Two posts in one day?

2006-03-23T10:02:00.000Z

I know, decadent or what. I suddenly remembered that I promised a very dear friend that I would include a link to her blog from here... The friend in question is an extremely talented writer and her first novel is soon to hit shelves in the USA. It'll arrive here next Spring.

The book is all about what happens to a high flying NYC lawyer when she is confined to her bed for the last few months of pregnancy. The blog - www.bedrestdiary.com - is a great read, written using the voice of the main character. Take a look and chuckle! Sarah is destined to be my 'famous novelist friend' which is extremely exciting. I know what she was wearing in 1987 and what are hopes were for the next school disco (snogging, obviously).

Blogging hits bottom of list of things to do...

2006-03-23T09:46:00.000Z

Feeding small baby.
Getting showered and dressed.
Eating.
Shopping.
Putting the washing on.
Cleaning the kitchen.
Dusting.

All things I must achieve on O's Days At Nursery. Unfortunately the two days a week are soon to become two mornings but how can I complain? I've just read the blogs of a couple of friends who've had various ups and downs and realised how damn lucky I am. My hudband frets if he's not spending enough time with his children. My children are healthy and very cute. I feel pretty good considering there's a six week old baby in the house. We have enough money and a lovely place to live. Sometimes I fear that my luck will run out so the moral must be 'Enjoy it all whilst it's good and deal with the bad if and when it happens'.

Despite missing my friends very much, Bristol is really starting to feel like home. We went round to a friend's house on Sat night for a St Patrick's Day dinner - our first invitation since we arrived here so something of a milestone! I am regularly seeing an antenatal friend which is sanity-saving and another friend's baby recently projectile vomited purple lunch onto our sofa.

All in all things are good here.

Four weeks in...

2006-03-06T09:54:00.000Z

It's Monday and O is at nursery all day - much as I love him, it's great to have some time to catch up on things. F is asleep on me in her trusty Baby Bjorn, the sun is shining and I've been invited to another mum's for lunch. Things are good.

But I feel anxious despite all the good stuff. As is my wont, I'm beginning to worry... Will Faye ever sleep in her own cot? Am I feeding her too often hence creating a snacking habit? How will I manage once I drop O's nursery days to two half mornings? How will I keep the house even vaguely tidy and clean? Reading this list, I seem to recall feeling very similar things about O. My instinct is telling me to go with the flow, do what feels right and sod the house. My middle class mumsy bit is saying 'But you have to keep the kitchen floor and the hob clean. Where will it end if you don't?'

I need to take a lesson in being rather than doing. This is something N talks about a lot and, whilst neither of us are necessarily very good at it, there is wisdom there. My children are going to be at school before I know where I am. I know how quickly time has gone with O and I can't believe F is one month old tomorrow already. We'll never get these days back and I get so cross with myself for focusing on the mundane rather than the wondrous.

This probably all sounds as though I'm being very hard on myself. Yes perhaps. But if I can listen to my own advice, it'll make for a happier me... Not that I'm unhappy - far from it. But I'm aware that there's more happiness to be had and that I hold the key to accessing it.

Hmm, bit serious for a Monday morning. Interesting what comes out when you haven't really thought about what to write before sitting down at the computer!

Night and day? What are they?

2006-02-27T11:35:00.000Z

Little Miss Faye (or Missy as her father has taken to calling her... hmm) is strapped to my chest in her trusty Baby Bjorn. She is fast asleep and has been since about 6.30 this morning. Her wakeful times are, conveniently, 10pm until about 11.30pm - frantic boob searching, sucks for two milli seconds, then screams - with a repeat at about 5am. In between she feeds beautifully once or twice and goes straight back to sleep.

Theories please? I wonder if a good old dose of formula at 10pm might do the trick. She behaves as though the milk just isn't coming quick enough which is easily possible having been drained all day!

Hence, I am a little tired. But not too tired. O is at nursery today (praise be) so I had a lie in and can sleep this afternoon if the need arises. My other slight concern is that F aye hasn't spent a single hour in her moses basket between 10pm and the morning! She's been in with me the whole time. Am I creating a rod for my own back? Is she too young for this to be an issue? 'Whatever works!' I hear you cry and you're probably right. But don't say 'I told you so' if, aged 10, Faye still insists on sleeping with us! I would like our bed to return to me and N alone at some point.

By the way, I made it to two playgroups last week. Admittedly my sis was with me which made it very easy, but it was so good to be doing something normal. And so many mums came and cooed at Faye and told me how great I was looking!

I must go and rescue some chicken from the oven for O's weekly meals... it's complicated this mothering lark.

I am still here...

2006-02-18T16:36:00.000Z

Serious lack of blog action due to inability to sit in chair for any length of time! We are bearing up, but I have to admit to being surprised at how uncomfortable it's all been following my longed-for natural birth. Let's face it, there's nothing natural about something the size of a baby's head passing out of such a small exit!

The adrenalin rush of having a new baby also dropped away and I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed by how I'm going to cope when N goes back to work... I've got my sister coming and then my Mum so I'll be fine for the next couple of weeks. Then the fun will really start...

Faye is yelling for boobie juice so I'd better go! More soon...

Why oh why...?

2006-02-10T18:57:00.000Z

...does everything have to hurt quite so much?! To add insult to injury I now have boobs that Jordan would be proud of. I suspect things may get worse before they get better! Feeding little miss is like some form of torture...

Roll on a week from now! But she is still gorgeous and I still feel miles better than I did at this point last time round... small mercies!

Another couple of pics...

SERIOUSLY out of date blog alert!!

2006-02-09T09:46:00.000Z

Faye Kathryn was born on Tuesday 7th Feb at 6.35am. She weighed in at a healthy but civilized 7 lb 8oz and is - as you can see - absolutely gorgeous. We are so thrilled to have a little girl and equally thrilled at the manner of her arrival - no interventions! Hurrah and thank heaven.

Things kicked off on Monday night - waters went at half midnight and we called the doula over. By the time she arrived, I was finding the contractions pretty intense and really felt as though we should get to the hospital... no time for massage, oils, breathing exercises etc etc!

As I was huffing and puffing in the back of the car, we arrived at the entrance to the hospital we normally used. And yes, it was closed! Thankfully Anne the doula knew the route so we got there without too much stress. We were admitted into a tiny delivery room - with the dreaded monitoring machine lurking in the corner - and left on our own! Lots happening that night I think. Contractions were coming pretty thick and fast, but I had no idea how dilated I was which was a bit scary.

The midwife checked me a bit later and pronounced the wonderful news that I was fully dilated and ready to go! The serious business of pushing began. By God it was hard - full respect to all of you who've done this before. I had no idea what was involved and how much it would hurt! But it was the most wonderful experience ever at the same time - seeing Faye's head emerge was awesome. She was delivered onto me all slimey and gorgeous whilst the delightful 'third stage' was completed. I then had 40 minutes of vaginal embroidery which was hideous. The midwife was very proud of her handiwork though which I suppose amounts to good news.

I am so tired and happy and sore and relieved. All a big muddle of emotions. It will be great when I can walk around without the urge to clutch my undercarriage and when Faye decides it would be more sociable to sleep all night and eat all day rather than the other way round. But all in all we're over the moon! And we got that elusive VBAC...

More photos...

2006-02-03T18:58:00.000Z

We saw the midwife this afternoon and baby is not as badly positioned as I feared... Baby's back is at the front but on the right hand side, so not 'OP' (completely back-to-back). This has set my mind at rest although I'm sure there's still plenty of time for it to change again! I also had various cramps yesterday evening which got N all excited but needless to say, nothing happened!

Baby's head isn't engaged yet - just floating about in the pelvic brim apparently! I hope the midwife knows her stuff... She seems to think the head needs to drop before anything will happen and that the cramps yesterday could have been from the uterus getting irritated by baby trying to get it's head in the right place. The uterus isn't hte only one getting irritated!

I cannot wait for this all to start now. It's about time all the unknowns of going into labour became known. More soon I hope!

Posteriors

2006-02-02T12:40:00.000Z

Not of the 'doesn't he have a lovely posterior' kind but the dreaded 'posterior position prior to labour' kind.

I am now officially obsessed with the position of baby. I am being advised to crawl around the house, lean forward at every available opportunity and lie exclusively on my left side (despite the fact that my left hip now feels as though it's been well and truly crushed). The letters 'OP' in my antenatal book last Friday are filling me with horror and I'm convinced I'm going to have the world's most painful back labour.

The upshot of all this is that I am boring myself, let alone you lot, with this whole pregnancy business. With two days to go until the due date, you would have thought I might have reached some kind of reconciliatory Zen-like state. Far from it. The closer it gets, the more scared I seem to be.

Our lovely doula is being very positive about it all and hell, it's not exactly the end of the world what position the baby's in. At least its head is down! But despite knowing all this, my mind goes into an automatic pilot of worry-dom.

We had our last antenatal class this morning and the usual 'Good lucks' did the rounds. The girls do seem like a nice bunch and we've arranged a coffee shop liaison next Thursday for those of us still up the duff. The inevitable 'Hopefully we won't see you next week' comments did the rounds and it brought back all the memories of meetings in Urban Coffee, discussions about queue jumping and going overdue!

Seeing the midwife tomorrow, so I'll bore you with another post about position then...

Calm vibes needed please!!

Knackered!

2006-01-29T19:01:00.000Z

Rather ambitiously, we spent the weekend away from home! We drove to Exeter yesterday to stay with N's aunt. All went well until we hit about 10pm when O woke and started mumbling. Having said what a great sleeper he is, he then lost the plot and screeched for an hour or so! We eventually abandoned the travel cot option and brought him into bed with us. Hmmm, like that was going to work. He slept but neither N nor I did. By the time we decided to move him into the cot it was past midnight. He then woke at 6 in floods of tears! Hurrah for staying away from home.

Despite all that, we had a lovely time. The weather was gorgeous and we were cooked for last night which was a serious treat. I even drank a glass of red wine. Today we went to a beautiful village on the estuary near Exeter and had a fab pub lunch with an ex-colleague of mine and her lovely partner. How civilised! And we were home by six. Thumbs up to this west country lark.

Tomorrow is doula day - 3pm massage, 7.30pm birth plan. At least we're getting our money's worth. I can't believe we're less than a week from D-Day. It still seems so surreal to think we're going to go through it all again. Exciting too of course.

By the way, I did watch Judge John Deed on Friday night as predicted. It was quite good... and the Sainsbury's curry was just the job.

Just call me Gwyneth...

2006-01-27T19:24:00.000Z

We've hired the doula we met! We're both really into the idea and like Ann a lot, but I have to admit to feeling that there is something faintly celeb about the whole thing... I feel as though it's the kind of thing Gwyneth would be into. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing of course. She is rather fab after all.

Ann has lots of weird and wonderful ideas about birth - from the baby's point of view too. She does massage, has trained in the Alexander Technique (posture darling), is half Danish and half Luxembourg-ish (what on earth are people from Luxembourg called?!) and is also a cranial-sacral therapist. I have to admit, I am not entirely sure what this means, but it's all about finding out about someone's emotional life via the shape of their head... and this is affected by birth... ooer.

The thing I'm finding great about having another person on board the baby train is that she's made us think about what we're hoping for, what we're scared of and what our rights are in terms of not having to be forced to be continually monitored etc etc. We simply haven't made the time for ourselves to focus on these things before now and it's been great. Ann's also from the 'natural is best' school of thought which is a good place to start. Having said that, she hasn't actually given birth herself! I think this is a good thing as she has all the magical images with none of the reality...!

In other news, O has at last got another tooth. Not the suspected molar, but a pointy incisor! Exciting eh? And we've got a 'Taste the Difference' curry special for supper - what could be better? I was going to settle down for Judge John Deed (sitting on the birthing ball, not slumped in the sofa of course) but after last week I'm not sure I can bear it. For those of you in the know, isn't Jo 'I'm a sanctimonious, irritating bat' Mills the most ridiculous character to appear on TV in years? As for Sir John himself, well. Good looking for his age, cute dog but what a t**t.

Sad truth is, I'll probably still watch it...

Stay where you are!

2006-01-23T15:04:00.000Z

This baby is on the move - and in the wrong direction if you ask me. Having been in the same 'head down, back away from my back and down the left-hand side' (i.e. perfect) position for weeks on end, I am now getting a bottom (or is it a head) poking about on the right side of my tummy with little limbs of some sort down the bottom where the head's supposed to be! Bugger. Let's just hope the little one is playing about and will settle back down in the next few days. It was incredibly uncomfortable last night which doesn't bode well...

Plus we're meeting a doula tonight - the only one in Bristol who happens to be free for our due date! I hope we like her. But if it's a breech and an elective C-section, I'm not sure we'll be needing her services. Who knows... appointment with midwife on Friday should confirm where babe is lying now. I just want to meet this little person now, find out what kind of bits it has and get on with it. I am sick of being pregnant!

One incentive I have to get back to being a normal size again (if that's possible...) is a Boden order on its way. Pair of cords and a summer skirt, both size 12 and both lovely. I WILL be wearing them this summer. Boden to me is like Internet porn must be to some men - completely addictive! N often finds me poring over the sales pages late at night even though I've checked what's there dozens of times. In fact, I feel a session coming on now...

Before I indulge, an update on the making friends front. I am receiving a lady for tea tomorrow afternoon! She's from the antenatal class and also has a little boy already - she's a northerner with a great sense of humour and hopefully we can be new baby pals. Very sweetly, she's offered to step into the breach (or is that breech?) on the O front if I ever go into labour naturally!

More on doula, baby position (or lack of it) and new friends soon! And at some point, perhaps this blog may contain content which is of more intellectual interest to you discerning readers. Come to think of it, perhaps not. But I have just finished a great book - Hilary Mantel's Beyond Black which is a modern-day ghost story and brilliantly written. Funny and creepy at the same time.

All our glory...

2006-01-16T18:42:00.000Z

Here we are. Well, me and Oliver at least. This one is not the most flattering picture of me you'll ever see (honest) but check out the girth!

The one of the two of us was taken this very evening and the other one of O is from Christmas day... he's clutching his present from his Granny and Grandpa (which I nearly ruined by not reading the instructions properly...)

Silence is golden...

2006-01-15T11:01:00.000Z

...but perhaps not that golden when it comes to blogs! Can't believe a full week has almost passed without a post. Sorry chaps. I wish I had a good excuse, but other than being the size of a small abode and sleeping during any spare moments, I haven't.

I have been feeling a bit queasy for the last couple of days which hasn't helped. Don't think it's related to baby, but I admit to feeling slightly panicked on Friday night when I seemed to be having a lot of cramps. I am definitely not ready to pop just yet. I need a couple more weeks to get my head around it all!

N has taken O to the zoo this morning hence some free time to commune with the blog world. They are both so lovely that I sometimes wonder if bringing a new person into the mix is a good idea. I know O will cope (he'll have to!) but part of me feels a bit guilty about messing up his world which he does seem to enjoy so much. But who am I to judge his world? He may think it infinitely better with another small person around to prod and poke.

I'm sure these fears are all perfectly natural for a second-timer. As are the dreams about birth I've been having. As good old Dennis Norden says, it'll be alright on the night. One way or another this baby will be with us - God willing - in five weeks at the latest!

I suppose I'd better get dressed! Rather slovenly morning...

Praise the Lord...

2006-01-09T10:00:00.000Z

One of our antenatal buddies has not only given birth to a beautiful baby boy but come out the other side of an extremely serious (and usually fatal) complication during birth. Needless to say, this has put the wind up everybody who knows and loves her. What her poor hubbie has been through in the last three days, I cannot imagine.

Her experience has also served as a reminder to me that this birthing business is not always straightforward. There remain real risks, despite all the amazing things obstetricians can do these days.

In the midst of a flurry of texts on Saturday with updates on our friend's condition, N and I visited the delivery suite at the hospital where - hopefully - we will meet our new baby. It was not the happiest of times to undertake the visit but all the staff we met were lovely and it felt good to see where the deed will take place.

I have to admit to a certain amount of grumpiness when we looked round the hospital's new birthing suite (as opposed to the delightfully named 'high-risk suite' where I will be taken... No soft lights and aromatherapy candles for me!) The rooms were really relaxed and had their own bathrooms and we were surrounded by misty-eyed first timers asking about bringing in their own music and cushions. Hindsight can be a wonderful thing, but not necessarily in this situation!

But we did feel reassured that even the rooms where we will be can be adapted as much as possible to feel a little less clinical. The good old monitor will be my constant companion and I'll have to have a drip thing inserted into my hand on arrival just in case. But other than that we should be able to make it home from home... My main concern now is, bizarrely, what to wear!!

On a non-birthing note (I hope you're not fed up of it all by now. I am...), this is my first proper non-working day with Oliver at nursery. Something of a treat. I got up at 9.30 and can't remember the last time that happened. And I'm going to watch a film this afternoon whilst polishing off the rest of the Quality Street. Hurrah.

Chocks away!

2006-01-04T19:39:00.000Z

Appointment with the doc went well today. I was there for my 36 week 'VBAC' all clear - for the uninitiated, this means that I'm free to go for the full pain and sweating option which is natural childbirth! Whilst I am delighted about this, a small part of me does wonder whether a scheduled C-section (for medical reasons only of course) might not be easier... Seriously though, I am really relieved that we can try. It might not work out of course, but I'm keen to give it my best shot.

One bonus of all this extra attention is that they did an unexpected growth scan (whilst admitting that they're notoriously inaccurate!) which meant I got to have another peak at the baby. No boy or girl parts detected, so we're still in for a surprise (sorry Lizzie!). It was amazing to see the baby this late on - compared with the previous scan, he/she is a veritable giant. He/she is also incredibly adept at squirming - the midwife pointed out that four twists were made during the scan. That's nothing love - this one's a Houdini I think. At this point in time, the head is southward facing which is good news. But given the propensity for gymnastics, this could all change!

What else is happening chez nous? Oliver had another 'I know, I'll crack my head on the radiator' moment this morning which has resulted in his most impressive forehead bump to date. Buckets of arnica cream have been applied, but I suspect he'll look abused by the morning.

Had tea with nice friend across the road who is going to step into the breach if I go into labour in the middle of the night. What a star woman...

Other than that, it feels pretty good to be getting on with the New Year in our new town. I still need to work on making some pals, but I have a couple of targets up my sleeve who may be invited for tea. And I'm hoping the antenatal classes which start tomorrow might furnish me with a few phone numbers at least.

Toodle pip for now xx

Chocolate in my veins...

2006-01-03T18:41:00.000Z

Oh dear. Inevitably I have consumed enough chocolate (and mince pies, Christmas cake and other delicacies) to sink the proverbial ship. The absence of mother-in-law (who is extremely thin and self-disciplined on the food front) may have spurred me on somewhat, although I wasn't exactly restrained when we spent my last pregnant Christmas with the in-laws two years ago...

Basically I'm a greedy cow. The New Year has brought little escape as everyone left us with mountains of cheese, unopened boxes of chocs and half a Christmas cake! Hosting has its advantages...

Anyway, Happy New Year to you all and I hope your Christmases were as jolly as ours. Despite the fact we have no dishwasher and only enough plates and bowls for one sitting, we managed admirably. The turkey wasn't dry, my mum only starting driving me mad after three days (pretty good going) and there were heaps of adoring relatives to entertain O. He loved his presents although we had a comedy moment when I failed miserably to read the assembly instructions correctly for his special present from absent Granny and Grandpa. True to form, I rushed into it and snapped on the 'one-time assembly' wheels - and then realised that I should have fixed on the body of the wretched thing first. To my father's astonishment (and I suspect, amusement) I promptly burst into tears wailing that I'd ruined O's Christmas. As if he cared!

Other than that, we had a pretty emotionally stable time of it. We were knackered by the end, but much cheered by the safe arrival of my best pal's second boy. New Year was chaotic with two friends and their two daughters (and Nick had the shits) but we managed to have fun anyway. I cooked a marvellous curry and actually made it past midnight (by three minutes).

Now the reality of another Benians is starting to really dawn on us! One month to go or thereabouts... the doula search continues and antenatal classes start on Thursday. Appointment with consultant tomorrow.

More soon! (And sorry this is so long!)

Doula-tastic!

2005-12-20T13:29:00.000Z

We think we might try and find a doula for the birth of babe number two. It suddenly occurred to me the other day when N was expressing some anxiety about how things would go this time given our C-section shenanigans first time round.

The more I think about it, the more sensible an idea it seems to be. N would feel much more supported, we'd have someone to 'advocate' for us in case things start getting complicated and she'd be there the entire time. Whilst the midwives are great, they do bugger off for long periods of time leaving poor husband to grapple with a woman in labour - no easy task!

Lord knows how much it'll cost, but if we can find the right person we'll go for it. Bit late in the day perhaps, but fingers crossed!

I'm going to take a blog holiday from tomorrow - my 33rd (yes, I know, you thought I was older!) birthday. I'm actually childishly excited this year as I have a tantalising - if small - pile of presents on top of our wardrobe, a husband off work, a gorgeous son to give me cuddles and no work to do! We might even push the old boat out and go for lunch in posh Clifton... gosh, what a treat.

Anyway, have a wonderful festive season wherever - and whoever - you are. I'll be back in blogland after the New Year (although I may sneak a post in between Christmas and New Year exhaustion from guests permitting).

Big love to everyone. xx

Public house extravaganza...

2005-12-16T13:02:00.000Z

I actually went to a pub last night for the first time in Lord knows how long. It was fun! I'd forgotten that people do this regularly, drink beer, chat and smoke fags. What a marvellous invention. I was accompanied by the lovely Antonia who - if I may be so bold - I think I can now count as a friend (if only a fledgling one). We had a lovely natter and she's offered to take O as and when required for a couple of hours once new babe arrives and I am desperate for kip. How nice is that? So much so that we're going to do a few trial runs in January so O can get used to being at their house without me. Sounds idyllic!

I drank two glasses of red wine. I enjoyed the first, but the second was a little bit gratuitous and not very self-disciplined. I was then told by N that some research he's heard about has found that babes in utero can suffer seizures as a result of alcohol. Thanks for that. A discussion ensued whereby I accused N of making me feel guilty every time I go out (not a regular conversation!). He said that perhaps I was feeling guilty about drinking two glasses and trying to blame him.

Hmm. He may have a point. One part of me thinks that everything in moderation can't be bad and it's not like I drink every night. Another part thinks that, in an ideal world, I shouldn't drink at all in pregnancy. The problem is that I don't have N's self-control when it comes to toxins, especially if they are red and come in a glass or white stick shapes which smell revolting. Sometimes I wish I did have his self-control (and his mother's - she of no over-indulgence whatsoever). But when encountered with it, it just makes me want to drink more, smoke more and eat another fistful of chocolates.

I think I need to accept that I am never going to be able to treat my body like a temple. Sorry body, but there it is. Life is too short and I love food too much. And sorry baby for any upset caused. But I'm still going to have a few snifters over Christmas...

Can I do it?

2005-12-09T17:58:00.000Z

So, to come back to the C-section phobia thing. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't occupying my thoughts, particularly at night when I have far better things to do like sleep. I suppose it's partly that I can't imagine a birth other than Oliver's and so tales of women puffing and panting for a mere four hours or so seem rather alien.

To my shame, I also feel quite competitive about the whole thing. What if my other pregnant pals manage a VBAC (technical term - the last three letters stand for Birth After Caesarean, so you should be able to guess the V!) and I don't? What if I never get to experience the natural birth thing? Does it matter? I think the answer to that is clearly yes, it does to me anyway.

Lots of people say 'As long as the baby's healthy, it doesn't matter how they arrive'. This is of course true, yet I can't help being a little selfish about it too. It's my body, and I don't want it to be opened up again thanks very much.

Positive thinking has to be the way forward. The stats are all in my favour and the rest is up to me really. Perhaps the dread of another C-section will force me to get the baby out. One thing I do need to clear up with the consultant when I see him in Jan is whether there was any more I could have done to squeeze O out. I seem to have forgotten about the failed ventouse bit and just blamed myself for running out of puff...

Well, only time will tell. Some counselling will no doubt be in order if it's another Caesarean! Perhaps N can give me reduced rate sessions (sounds saucy. Speaking of which, can't think of anything I'd rather not do at the moment!!)

For anyone reading this who hasn't experienced the joys of childbirth (and there are many despite the above), this may all seem very self-absorbed. But I can't apologise. When your belly is as large as mine is getting and you can feel your baby squirming away merrily it is hard to think about much else, despite the presence of a toddler.

Aaaggghhh... ill again!

2005-12-05T09:47:00.000Z

This time it's my own fault. Three nights on the trot of post-11pm bedtimes... and two of these involved some supping of wine. Not much wine of course, but not being used to it at all it has taken its toll. I now have an extremely sore throat. Hurrah.

But the good news is that O seems to have returned to his normal cheery self. Thank heaven. We're hoping that last week's outbursts were some kind of aberration! Still no new teeth to explain it, but he was pretty poorly and was maybe just a bit naffed off. Fingers crossed.

Spent the weekend with my parents. How weird is this...? My mum was in quite a nasty car crash more than two weeks ago. The first I hear of it is when we arrive at mum and dad's to find that mum has two black eyes. "We didn't want to worry you" was the refrain. I pointed out that surely at 32 years old I can cope with such news, and wouldn't mum have liked to have talked about it at the time? Apparently not. Small wonder I don't confide much in them. It's not exactly a family trait.

But despite this display of typical Jordan weirdness, we had a lovely time. We had a posh meal out where I got to wear the new Boden shoes for the second time in a week (at least I didn't go arse over tit in the restaurant this time which I did last Thursday with Mel's cousin!). Dad videod O til the tape was full and we had lots of cups of tea. Perfect.

This week is going to be dedicated to getting organised for the dreaded Xmas. I hadn't appreciated quite how much there is to think about when you're hosting it yourself! Luckily mum has already raided M&S for the obligatory Christmas pudding, cake and chocs none of which we could be bothered to make ourselves. I've even placed an order for a turkey with the local butcher. Heck. And we received our first Christmas card this weekend which has prompted me to start scribbling! The tree will be purchased this weekend...

I've been thinking lots about childbirth again (hardly surprising given what's happening to my midriff). I'll write more on this separately as I haven't quite got my thoughts in order yet, but suffice to say I do worry about how gutted I will be if I have to have another C-section. Daft I know, but there it is. Need to think on that one some more...

It had to happen some time...

2005-11-30T16:40:00.000Z

Our little baby boy - so sweet, compliant and generally gorgeous - has morphed over the weekend into a true toddler. Tantrums, strops, refusing to eat, the works. It has been a bit of a shock to be honest - up until Sunday, O had never really had a full-blown paddy. But we're getting used to it now - three already today. For those of you having similar experiences, isn't it awful? Seeing the one you love push at you with what looks like hate in his eyes is not nice!

Despite all this, I'm having a much better week emotionally speaking. I've had a couple of really nice chats with mums at playgroups - beyond the 'How old is yours?' type conversations which has made me feel more at ease. The ears are behaving a bit better. And my gorgeous husband came home yesterday with Rose and Geranium bath foam, Hopi ear candles (yet to be tried - will report back!) and some raspberry leaf tea. Can't all be bad eh? Plus I entertained a mum and her daughter for lunch - that makes two potential friends, not including Mel's lovely cousin who I'm GOING OUT WITH tomorrow night. Things are looking up!

I should go and get the little man's tea ready (although I doubt he'll eat it - we'll keep trying). Toodle pip for now.

Sorry, what was that?

2005-11-22T13:51:00.000Z

Why oh why do my ears have to be so troublesome when I'm preggers? It's the most annoying thing in the world. I've had another beast of a cold and this time, my ears blocked completely making me deaf as well as thinking that I'm shouting when I'm whispering. All rather disconcerting.

What news from the West country? Oliver has a hacking cough making him sound like an old man. He also dented his head and grazed his nose by falling flat on his face whilst walking along a seemingly flat pavement! Poor love. I tried not to look too horrified, but his head made the most awful crunching sound. Made me feel quite sick at the thought of him being in pain.

We've just been to North Wales to visit my gran and uncle and aunt. Lovely to see them, but by whatsits it's a long way to go. Four and a half hours in a car with a toddler is not my idea of fun. And what's the point of calling the M6 a motorway? More like a crawlway. If you southerners think the M25 is bad, try the M6 on a Friday afternoon. Yuk.

Before I go, I must confess that I am feeling rather friend-less. It's not that I don't have friends - on the contrary, you lot are marvellous. It's just that you're all rather a long way away. My one and only pal over the road seems to have rather a busy social life (how dare she?) which is making me feel even more Norma about things. But all in good time I keep telling myself.

At least the Boden shoe delivery this morning cheered me up... they're a bit tight, but worth it!

It went well!

2005-11-14T21:10:00.000Z

The weekend with the in-laws that is. It was lovely in fact. O was charm personified and had both his grandparents eating out of his hands (very mucky ones at that). The weather was gorgeous. We went to the theatre and saw a grown-up Chekhov play - it ended with a chap blowing his brains out of course, but hey, that's Chekhov. We had lunch in posh Clifton. Oh, and I cooked a cake, butternut squash risotto (Mel - I owe you one!) and coq au vin. Just call me a domestic goddess.

The best bit was when N's mum said "Gosh, you haven't put on as much extra weight this pregnancy as you did last time have you?!" She of course was being very kind in her mind. In my mind, I didn't put on much extra weight last time thanks very much! But we were given twelve bottles of wine, homemade blackberry and apple jam and a scrummy jumper for O.

All in all a good weekend. Apart from my filthy cold which I forgot to moan about. And O's filthy cold. But hey, what's winter for if not feeling shit?

Bump is becoming alarming as is constipation. Good thing the in-laws brought French prunes along too...

Off to have a bath and shave my legs for the first time in months. (Come on, how many of you bother in the winter?)

Random post. Sorry. Tired. Must do better.

The big smoke

2005-11-09T19:09:00.000Z

We just got back from a visit to Tooting town, catching up with lovely pals. I thought it might make me sad or nostalgic, but it actually made me realise how happy I am to have moved here - it was definitely the right time for us. Much as I miss you all, I can't say I miss Tooting in quite the same way - even if some daft bloke has named part of Mars after it.

O and I stayed with some bestest friends which was divine - a wonderful dinner (a little too much wine if the truth be told) with three of my favourite girls catching up and reminiscing about old times. Nothing better.

But all that driving has knackered me out! Thankfully N was home in time to take over O duty - what a lucky lady I am.

Too pooped to write more but will update soon - no doubt with tales of angst about approaching in-law weekend!

When in Rome...

2005-11-03T15:08:00.000Z

What a revolting lot those Romans were. After all the hype about BBC Two's new drama - sex, gore and togas - I suppose it's not surprising that N and I felt a bit disappointed. West Wing it was not. Or Spooks. Or Waking the Dead for that matter. Not that we watch a lot of TV you understand, just the quality stuff (honest!). One thing that was of historical interest though was the fact that posh Roman totty were obviously partial to a Brazilian... the mind boggles.

But we ate pizza and choc ices for supper, so it wasn't all bad!! Spooks, veggie curry and naan bread tonight - hurrah for telly and a belly (cunningly disguised as a baby).

By the way, next week should be interesting as we gear up for the arrival of the in-laws (mine that is). Three nights entertaining N's mum who is possibly the world's best cook... help! And I can't consume copious amounts of wine which is alarming. Let's hope O is on good form for them...!

Cake and four week old babies

2005-10-31T18:30:00.000Z

I made one. A cake that is. The baby is a little way off four weeks old. The cake tastes quite nice. It has icing sugar tastefully sprinkled on top and looks like it might pass muster at a WI fete. Am I getting older or something?

Mum is with us and has actually been a star on the washing up and entertaining her grandson fronts. As I write, Nick and Mum think I'm working whilst they dry O's hair and get him all snug in his pyjamas. I feel a bit guilty about this, especially as the little man's been at nursery all day being fed too much Halloween-induced sugary horridness. I might be able to make cake, but being a good mum is much harder...

We saw Nick's cousin yesterday with her hubbie and four week old baby. Little babe is adorable - so small and scrunchy. She has reflux (you mums will know the horror this entails) and dreadful wind. Nick's cousin has had mastitis. The birth was a nightmare. Am I really going to go through it all again? Will I cope? Will Oliver cope? He prodded and poked little baby and was quite sweet until he thought we were ignoring him and then he got stroppy.

2006 is going to be interesting.

Clare in disappointing midwife appointment shocker...

2005-10-29T17:27:00.000Z

I seem to remember in the distant past when O was a wee grub in my tum that midwife appointments were exciting. The peeing on a stick thing, reading Hello whilst waiting to be called, the taking of blood pressure and most of all, the heart-beat listening (OK that bit was still quite exciting).

Having only seen a midwife once during the whole pregnancy prior to Friday's appointment, I was - justifiably I thought - excited about seeing her again. I was certain I had loads of questions to ask and that we'd have a long chat about... well, about being pregnant. I was met by the student midwife, Lara, who is sweet but obviously not a mum herself and a real novice. Mary turned up a bit later after I had peed in a pot (O was with me and it went all over the shop!) only to discover that my HepB result wasn't in the file and then spent 10 minutes on the phone.

Of course, it's wonderful that everything is boringly fine. Measurement of bump spot on for dates, heartbeat steady and strong, blood pressure good (although Lara asked if I ever felt faint with a blood pressure like that! Meaning?), blood test results all negative and positive in the right places. But something of the magic of the first time is missing. Is this unfair? Am I being a cow to my unborn babe? Will I feel the same when he/she actually turns up?

In short, it's all rather weird. Oh, and my mum arrives tomorrow evening for three nights. Hmm.

Is it my imagination...?

2005-10-24T15:07:00.000Z

...or is this the busiest baby ever to occupy a woman's insides? I feel as though I am being permanently pummeled with tiny hands and feet - and possibly the odd headbutt. I'm sure I never felt as much as this with O - any second timers out there, is this normal or is our new baby destined to be an ADHD nightmare as my husband fears?

In happier news, we are now fully hooked up to the digital TV revolution thing that's been going on for ages without us. It wasn't the aerial, but the supposedly helpful (but suspiciously ancient-looking) booster box in the spare room! I can now watch CBeebies with impunity - or at least plonk O in front of it for a much needed rest...

That's my boy!

2005-10-24T09:22:00.000Z

Here's a quite recent pic of the man himself. Although I'm biased, he is pretty yummy isn't he?!!

More soon... I'm meant to be working!

Still pooped

2005-10-20T08:15:00.000Z

What a week. Monday - worked. Tuesday - felt dire most of the day and only just managed to keep Oliver fed / reasonably happy. Went to Bath to visit the sister of a friend (over-ambitious but lovely). Yesterday - playgroup, lunch with two playgroup mums, pre-school visit, tea over the road! Today - work (a welcome break!)

Schools! Pre-schools! Nurseries! Aagh. Why does it all have to be so complicated - and expensive? None of the primary schools here offer pre-school so you have to find your own thing. One has been recommended but they only take the little ones for two hours in the afternoon twice a week! Not much use if you're trying to work. We've found a lovely Montessori pre-school, but have no idea how we'd pay for even a day and a half a week unless I work. But what do I do with the little one? Nursery means more money and I'll be lucky if I break even!!

These are the things that swill around my tired mind. And I still have a filthy cold.

I think that's enough whinging (sp?!) for now.

Pooped!

2005-10-16T17:10:00.000Z

It's official. I'm knackered. We've had one of those lovely weekends where we had no commitments... but once I started relaxing, I suddenly realised how tired I am.

But, we spent a lovely afternoon in Clifton (the posh bit of Bristol - think Northcote Road) yesterday, ate fab cake in a trendy caff, joined one of the best video shops in the country - everything from the West Wing to Japanese animation - and took a stroll on the Downs in the sunshine. So all in all, not bad.

Today we managed to take Oliver swimming - he's forgotten everything he learned with Mohammed the super teacher - and mow the lawn. Did I say we weren't busy?

Must entertain the little man for another hour before he finally passes out!

Digital TV? Pah...

2005-10-14T12:12:00.000Z

I've resisted the whole digital / cable / satellite TV stuff for ages. But, with rubbish reception here and forthcoming arrival of babe number two, the idea of Channel 4 minus the diagonal stripes and CBeebies to keep O occupied whilst I faff about with small baby suddenly appealed.

So, I rather impulsively popped into a TV shop a few days ago (partly to escape truly torrential rain). Embarrassed, I asked the guy if he could explain how these new-fangled Freeview box things work. We then had a protracted conversation - well, not much was said by me actually, but anyway - about SCART cables and recording capability. I ended up buying the cheapest one in the shop and scuttled away.

Would it work? Would it heck. OK, so I plugged the SCART thing into the video instead of the TV (I'm sure that's what he told me to do). But even once I'd got some telephonic advice, it still didn't work. 'Ah, that sounds like a problem with your aerial,' I was assured. 'You might need an upgrade.' An upgrade? I thought the whole bloody point was that there was a 'one-off cost' and then the TV world was our oyster?

I think I'm going to send the bill for 'upgrading' to Downing Street.

Sniff...

2005-10-12T11:52:00.000Z

No, I'm not depressed about having no friends in Bristol (although come to think of it, I could work on that). I have a stinking cold which is causing me to wade through boxes of tissues. When I can't be bothered, I just sniff.

Not only that, but O decided it was about time he had a tummy bug (Mel, hope Jack's alright!). We were on our way to check out a posh toy shop in Clifton with friend / acquaintance across the road (the only one I have at the moment!) when a large amount of vomit exited my blue-eyed babe. Rather than crash the car in horror, I managed to calmly pull to the side of the road, soothe son and cover him in tissues (maybe the cold was a blessing in disguise as I don't normally carry a box with me!), call Antonia and cancel outing. We got home in the nick (scuse the pun) of time before another visitation reached the kitchen lino. More later last night.

I'm waiting for my turn...

PS I seem to use brackets (or should I say parentheses?) rather a lot. Let me know if it irriates.

Official: we are grown up

2005-10-10T14:32:00.000Z

Hello fellow web nerds. This will be the last time I apologise for the ludicrous gaps in blog posting - I promise I will try and get better. Perhaps quantity is above quality in these matters.

Anyway, we had some bestest friends to stay this weekend and decided that we have really entered the world of being grown up. Spare room with towels on the bed, travel cot up ready for wee Jack, homemade leek and potato soup in the freezer just in case, leg of lamb in the fridge ready for Sunday lunch...

It was marvellous. Having lived in a two bed flat for so long, we just never had people to stay (except my sister who had to put up with a sofa bed in the sitting room and the world's smallest dining table). The boys ran around the garden, we all pottered off to Bristol Zoo in our estate cars and watched a vid on Saturday night. How civilised.

Anyway, the upshot is that Nick and I can 'do' weekend visits! All welcome (well, as long as we know who you are). I may even be able to ask the butcher for a joint of lamb without making a complete pratt of myself.

What other news? Nick's cousin has had a baby girl - Hayley Skye (hmmm, not convinced) - which has made us both even more excited about our impending arrival. My bump is getting alarming - photo soon. Oh, and our sofas finally arrived! Such luxury.

Almost forgot - our night out for N's birthday was marvellous. Ate ourselves silly and shared a half bottle of wine. Boats were definitely pushed out. And not a peep from the gorgeous babe...

Birthday boy!

2005-10-05T11:59:00.000Z

So far, so good (for me at least. Nick's pedal fell off on his way to work and he managed to send me 31 blank texts from his phone. Moral of that story - lock your keypad! Not as bad as the time he sent 18 to his brother who's mobile is registered in Italy...)

Boringly, I bought my divine husband a commuting bag which he can attach to his bike. Yawn. But it's what he wanted and it was surprisingly expensive! But - of course - it doesn't fit the rack on his bike. Despite the manager of the bike shop assuring me that this bag would fit any bike rack. Hmm.

I also resisted the pant option and went for a rather posh Crabree & Evelyn shaving bowl. His previous one was on the point of extinction so I thought this was rather clever. And he did a good job of seeming pleased! Extra brownie points were awarded as I'd got Oliver to scribble on his card which he loved.

N's mother and father sent a jumper that's too big (plus a cheque for £100 so not all bad). His brother sent a CD (from Italy, cracked case). And that was it for presents! My parents and grandmas sweetly sent money, but it's not the same as ripping revolting wrapping paper off a random gift is it?

Anyway, we have our first night out on the town in Bristol tonight. Lovely lady over the road is babysitting. I fear O may wake as he's being rather pesky with teeth at the moment... Hope it doesn't put her off for good.

We weasled our way into a brilliant playgroup this morning quite by chance, for being 'genuinely' new to the area and contacting them within a month of arriving! I hope the 86 other mums on the waiting list don't find out about that... no telling please.

Oh, and a bit of tooth fell out at breakfast. I thought it was a particularly hard grain in the granary but unfortunately not. So I've now got to find an NHS dentist. Needle and haystack spring to mind...

Over and out. Mwah mwah.

Sorry, sorry...

2005-10-04T02:46:00.000Z

I'm not very good at keeping this thing up to date am I?! We've had a hectic weekend. Mum, Dad, Kathryn (my sis) and her man Doug came down to look after Oliver whilst we went off to the wedding... How many family members does it take to keep a toddler happy for 36 hours? Four apparently!

The wedding was fab, although I felt a little frumpy with my flattie shoes on and a non-maternity outfit which was really too small. I noticed a lovely stain on my cream top during the church service to boot. My pal looked amazing - all Audrey Hepburn and satiny. Saw lots of old Bristol folks, which was a bit bizarre as we've just moved back there. Good to catch up although it reminded me why I don't bother to keep up with some of them!

On our return home, the famille were determined to impress on us how happy O had been all weekend - no tears, no tantrums etc etc. Of course he then crumpled into a heap as soon as we arrived and removed my handbag from his clutches. This was greeted with cries of 'He hasn't done this all weekend you know...' by my father, to the point where I had to tell him he really didn't need to say that again.

Anyway, all was well, and we missed the little man heaps. We put him to bed as usual - and then the little blighter woke at 10.45 (just as we were falling into bed exhausted from an exceptionally late 1.30 night on Saturday!). Not only did he wake, but he howled for an hour. I lay in bed telling myself that I must be a terrible mother if my son decides to have a hissy fit the night we get back from being away. Must be nicer to self as Bridget might say.

Fishcakes call and I can't miss Waking the Dead part two...

Toodle pip for now ladies.

Next installment will be tales of N's birthday and whether I manage to behave like perfect wife and get the right presents, restaurant etc. I bet you can't wait.

Whoops...

2005-09-29T18:01:00.000Z

only my second post and it's three days after the first! All good things come to those who wait. I would have said hello yesterday, but it was such a hideous day that I was in too foul a mood to write anything coherent. Wednesday went something like this:

1. Weather: cold, grey, lashing rain
2. Oliver: bad mood
3. Gas men: due between 8 and 12. They arrived at 11.36. They 'fixed' the problem and left. When I tried to use the hot water later, there wasn't any. I tried to get through to the customer services people and it took hours. Cross doesn't quite cut it
4. Head: bashed on silly overhanging ceiling bit on way up stairs
5. Ears: as stuffed up as a deaf old man with heaps of earwax and hair (in his ears that is). According to my What to Expect book (expect to be irritated by the book), 'ear stuffiness' is a common symptom during pregnancy. What they don't mention is that everyone you speak to will say 'Sorry?' each time you try and speak because you are actually whispering when in your head it sounds like you're yelling
6. Consultant obstetrician: late. A bit rude (male of course). Spoke about labour as though it was some kind of board meeting. But he gave us the all clear for a vag delivery which is good news (I think...!). Leanne, get that CD to me fast!!
7. Nappy bucket: so heinous I left it til today

So, yesterday was not a high point in my new Bristol life. But considering I know virtually nobody, I think one bad day out of two weeks or so isn't too bad. Oliver and I are off to the wilds of Somerset (or should I say Zummerzet) tomorrow to visit a friend who's in a very similar 'we've just left London and I'm missing everyone like mad' phase. It'll be lovely to have a whinge. Plus we're off to a wedding without Oliver (don't tell him that) on Saturday morning, returning Sunday afternoon... the question of what I will wear could throw me back to yesterday's mood, so I won't even go there!

Gosh, I've been going on for ages. Enough. Must tend to the parsnip soup (just call me Delia).

Much love to all three of you who are reading this!

Oh God...

2005-09-27T05:42:00.000Z

I seem to have started a blog. How did this happen? I feel very intimidated. I deliberately didn't pick the same template as the original lizzie scoffs blog. Yes, I liked it best. Yes, the one I chose has flourescent dots all over it. But the pressure of having a blog that looks like the scoffs' was too much. What if my pals don't find my blog as interesting as other people's? What if I get my grammar all wrong? What if I don't get any comments and I forget to update it for days on end and people get bored and stop visiting and... AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH. I knew this would happen.

Blogging sucks.

Over and out.